"Where will it end?" Confused Man Runs Amok
Office workers, town goers and market traders alike were besieged today by a
lunatic.
The currently unidentified man rampaged through the town centre causing
chaos as he went.
Employees of TelCom, scene of the first incident, earlier
spoke of their experiences of the man. They tell of unusual banging sounds
emanating from an office lift, after which the door opened to reveal the
peripatetic frame of a turbulent man. The
man reportedly entered the office, rugby tackled a nearby worker to the
ground before demanding to know when “it” will end. The man then
hysterically searched through files, presumably looking for information.
Police were understood to have been called to the scene later in the
afternoon after the man managed to escape from
security guards in the TelCom office foyer and out onto the
street.
Bystanders told of their confusion in the centre of town of seeing the
frenzied man running about spuriously shouting the
phrase “where will it end” sporadically.
“It was carnage,” Paul Whelk, a local fishmonger said. “I was standing at my
stall brandishing a halibut when I first set eyes upon him. Quite a long way
away he was at first. Didn’t think that much of it at first. Then before I
knew what was going on he burst through the back of
my stall before clattering into some wheelie bins out front full
of offal.”
“I was just coming out of Nationwide,” Percy S. Tent said. “All hell was
breaking loose outside”. Tent told of the image of the man bursting out of
the local Ryman’s brandishing armfuls of pencils,
chased down by the shop’s security guards.
Identification of the man has so far proved elusive, as police are keen to
keep the event as low key as possible for fear of
copy cat rampages.
“No one knew what was going on. He just kept shouting that same phrase over
and over. WHERE WILL IT END! I’ve never seen anything quite like it” Market
goer Gladys Powys recalls. Reports suggest that the man stopped briefly in
the marketplace area of town in order to balance
some cabbages on his head and chew on a railing.
Minutes later, police managed to restrain the man by placing a net in an
alleyway he was running towards during his trail of destruction. The man
eventually became entangled on the net and, after
nearly an hour of thrashing around forlornly, eventually accepted
that it had indeed ended.