"Dragon’s Den" BBC 2
The Dragons are in for a surprise when a contestant turns up at the Den with
an unusual looking contraption.
Extract from the next series of the popular idea-bashing television
formality.
Voiceover Guy: David Scumm hoped to impress the Dragons with a
new device which he claims can transport objects from one place to another,
but straight away his nerves began to get the better of him.
David Scumm: So here we have [pulls levers and fiddles with
knob] my invention. As you can see, it’s not the finished product, more like
a prototype. [scratches head]
Machine: KABOOM!
David Scumm: [Wrestles to stop acidic looking liquid from
seeping from a gaping hole which has appeared in its hold] But the basic
principle is. Well, it’s a teleporter.
Camera shot of Theo Pathetis rolling his eyes, while Duncan Bannetine
glares at David in an unconvinced manner.
David Scumm: This is a revolutionary machine, the technology
of which mankind has fantasised about harnessing since the dawn of time. It
has the potential to revolutionise every facet of our daily lives, from
global travel in seconds to nipping home from your office meetings for a
quick… shave. So, I welcome any questions you may have.
Voiceover Guy: David’s pitch was short and nervous, and
already the Dragons are sceptical about the product.
Duncan Bannetine: It’s… an interesting product. Can we see it
work?
David Scumm: Yes [wipes forehead]. Say I transfer this apple.
From this end here to your table. If I just put this gizmo on your desk.
Richard Farley: That looks dangerous.
David Scumm: No! It’s quite safe. Watch. [pulls level]
Machine: Whizz! Whir! Gamgamagamagamgam. KABOOM!!!
Bits of apple scatter all over the Den, all over the Dragons and on
Deborah Meaden’s face.
Deborah Meaden: Ugh! It’s gone in my eye…I have apple in my
eye!
Members of the TV crew run to assist the Dragons, many of which are in
distress.
David Scumm: OK, it doesn’t work with apples. But it works
with people! Only last week I tried it with my son, and it worked perfectly,
God rest his charred little soul.
Theo Pathetis: It’s a weapon of mass destruction!
David Scumm: Well, that’s not what it was supposed to be.
Deborah Meaden: I can’t invest in this product for the simple
reason that I think it would kill its customers. Think of the law suits! I’m
out.
Theo Pathetis: I agree, it’s mad, it’s Armageddon, I’m out.
Duncan Bannetine: And what are your projected revenues for
this?
David Scumm: Eight….b…million? Eight million pounds over the
next five years.
Duncan Bannetine: So if I invest, you can guarantee that kind
of return on my investment?
David Scumm: Sure, why not.
Duncan Bannetine: OK, I’ll make you an offer. I will offer you
the full £100,000. For 100% of the company.
David Scumm: I see. And is this figure negotiable?
Duncan Bannetine: I don’t negotiate with terrorists!
David Scumm: OK. Well, reluctantly, I accept. What choice do I
have?
Duncan Bannetine: Great! When it comes to screwing over the
folk who come on this show, I’m Dragon #1. Now get the hell away from MY
time machine, dolt.
David Scumm: Teleporter.
Duncan Bannetine: Whatever.