Eastenders (BBC One)
This week on Eastenders: Something implausible happens!
Honey: Come on Janet, let’s go down the caff.
Ian Beale: Honey! Where are you going? ‘Ere, whatcha playing
at running that pram over my toes. I thought you hated the baby now?
Honey: Na, the story was getting boring so I thought, “fuck
it!” I love the little bitch now. In fact, I’m even having another baby.
Ian Beale: Haha I see. That reminds me. Have you seen Kevin
anywhere?
Honey: Is that him right there?
Ian Beale: So it is! Here Kevin, where have you been for the
last five weeks?
Kevin: Just down in Brighton. I saw some guy dying after a
suicide bomber appeared to bomb a local bus. So I thought “fuck it!” I’d
best return.
Ian Beale: I saw you last night, sleeping with that woman you
hate.
Woman: I’ll field that one.
Ian Beale: What the hell?
Woman: Kevin and me love each other now. We suddenly realised
after he nearly killed me by chucking an ashtray at me.
Ian Beale: I can’t keep up. Who writes this bollocks?
Pat: Kevin. You’re back. Good, you can look after the kids
while me and my husband who’s also knocking off Dawn and that doctor go out.
Just don’t tell the other people!
Kevin: Over my dead body! Is that, oh I say, is that Stacy
sort over the cavorting with Max?
Pat: That was weeks ago. No one cares about that now. People
have short memories around here.
Kevin: STEVE OWEN! It’s STEVE OWEN!
Steve Owen: Gaarven! Where’s Grant? I want a word!
[Credits roll]