Entry 11: Something sinister afoot
Something
sinister is definitely afoot in these parts at the moment. Last week, the
off license was looted, and now all kinds
of strange things appear to be happening.
Each day I come back home after being “out and about,” and I get the
ethereal feeling that someone has been in the house. The signs are subtle
but clear. Yesterday I found someone’s stool in the
cat’s litter tray. There is no way Bazooka, my cat, is capable of
outputting on that scale. And it’s not the first time that’s happened as
well.
Oddly, nothing is ever stolen, I’ll just find brown in the litter tray,
sick in the sink or the shredded remains of
Lonely Planet travel guides strewn across the living room.
I suspected that any intruder was using the cat flap as a mode of entry. In
order to correct this security breach, Robber Swipe Ltd, the security
company I use to protect my property, has had a new cat flap installed. The
new flap opens and closes by employing a state of
the art hydraulic turbine which pumps pressurised gas through tubes at colossal
velocities henceforth thought impossible.
Since
the security upgrade I have found no traces of forced entry; the faeces in
the kitchen, vomit in cupboards, the empty cans of
Dutch Gold lager, the bile on top of the telly all gone. The only
problem was the day I had it put in I returned home to find Bazooka impaled,
his rear end squashed down hard on the tarmac, with pressurised gas from the
turbine shooting out uncontrollably.
The machine had incorrectly believed the cat was attempting a break and
entry style manoeuvre, which of course couldn’t be further from the truth.
Bazooka now looms in the branches of the old oak on
my front lawn, spitting and hissing as I come and go.
I’ll think I can speak for us both by saying it was nothing more than mere
teething problems – it must have thought Bazooka was a
cat burglar!