Giant panda “prefer roast dinners to
bamboo”
Groundbreaking
new scientific observations have revealed that giant panda prefer
traditional roast dinners to sticks.
Environmental experts observed that the wild pandas consumed whole platefuls
of roast dinner when it was left on the ground for them to find. Secret
cameras drilled into nearby trees recorded the pandas eating the food
exclusively using only their faces as some kind of primitive knife and fork.
The panda were observed first disposing of the plates by throwing them
against rocks, presumably under the illusion that they were
a type of spherical snake competing for
the provisions on offer.
Roast dinner trials
The pioneering research has already begun trials in Changning Panda Hovel, a
panda sanctuary in south west China. Assessments have so far indicated that
the panda do indeed prefer “people food” to wood,
with resident bears Chi-Chi and Panda-o-Donnell both wolfing down vast
quantities of roast potatoes, runner beans and Yorkshire puds, while
shunning the timber on offer.
“They act like the ecstatic ghosts of their forefathers!” One excited
zoologist was possibly misquoted as saying.
Visitor numbers to the hovel have skyrocketed since the trials. People
flocking to the site have been eager to catch a unique glimpse of the
notoriously elusive giant pandas gorging themselves on slow cooked beef and
carrots. While the panda appeared to be extremely content with the switch in
diet, one panda who, according to one independent news agency, had “hilariously
eaten about ten plates of roast dinner,” lay on its back
bemoaning the amount of food it had consumed.
Food of love: Aphrodisiac food and panda porn
With
just 3,000 giant panda believed to be living in the wild, environmental
experts are optimistic that the new findings could help to bolster numbers
in future. It is thought that the switch from the brittle, rigid bamboo to
tasty tasty roast dinners might offer an
incentive to eat more healthily. The greater balanced diet and the reduced
propensity for shards of stick to become lodged in the animal’s throat are
both thought to be integral positive factors any future strategy to maintain
and increase panda numbers could utilise.
Scientists have previously had success in increasing panda numbers by giving
them
hardcore nude panda videos to watch. Professor Amphetamines Visa, son of
credit card magnate Arthur, suggested that the food might help to spice up
effectiveness of the videos if “they put shed loads of jalapeno peppers in
the mix”.