Palace quick to quash Queen booze speech
rumours
Officials
from Buckingham Palace today moved quickly to allay claims in the press that
the Queen was drunk while delivering her traditional Christmas Day speech.
The speech, which made constant references to controversial social issues,
is likely to provoke widespread criticism from groups across the political
spectrum. Starting at the usual 3pm time, viewers saw the speech
abruptly end after just four minutes. A
punchy performance held little back from a stunned audience, as the Queen
tore into such issues as foreign policy, homelessness and immigration. She
also appeared to slur words, the volume of her voice alternating wildly
between cold whispered warnings and belligerent
shouting.
Perhaps the most controversial part of the speech concerned the deployment
of troops in Iraq, a lament which served to outline a
real lack of understanding of current
affairs from the monarchy. Blaming the “Argies” for the resurgent attacks
against British troops, the Queen astounded viewers by appearing to command
that Tony Blair order a nuclear strike on the country so that “…we can all
get a bit of piece and quiet”.
Moving on to domestic issues, a usually sympathetic Queen went on to use
harsh words to describe the “parasite” homeless
that went without over Christmas. Biting intermittently on a chicken
drumstick, the Queen opined that “[we should] send them all to France or
somewhere…with all the other illegals”.
Her speech ended with a baffling yet heated argument with an unknown off
screen assailant. Continuously distracted
by the issue throughout the speech, the Queen finally got up out of her
chair and picked up a mobile phone, dialling into it and screaming “I want
that man dead!”
The speech ended moments later with the queen shaking her fist directly at
the camera and, breathing heavily,
demanded to know if it was “rolling”.
Today, Buckingham Palace insisted an enquiry was already well underway and
that a statement would be issued when the results are
published in 2045.