Queen Announces New London Borough
A
new London borough was sensationally announced
in a special address by the Queen from her headquarters in Buckingham Palace
yesterday.
Controversial plans to demolish existing eastern London locations such as
Greenwich, Newham and, most distressingly of all for sports fans, much of
Stratford are set to be announced in the coming days. It is understood that
this is no mere rebranding exercise, and that whole areas are to be levelled
to make way for this new borough. Local businesses and concerned residents
are said to be up in arms about such a move, which would not need any
Governmental approval because it has come directly from the Queen. Michael
Daniels of Greenwich, east London, claimed such a move would “leave us up
shit creek with very little paddle apparatus available”. The Conservative MP
for the area, Ms Glenda Thompson, described the proposal as being “a
fucking outrage…where the hell are all these people going to
live?”
Above: Artist’s impression: In the heart of East London
Experts predict that up to half a million people may be made homeless by the
move, as bulldozers drive their former homes into the ground, in many cases
with personal belongings still inside, some experts
are suggesting. A spokesman for the Home Office also expressed
deep concern for the proposed plans, indicating that there was little or
nothing the Government could do to “stop this or accommodate its
consequences”.
The story, uncovered yesterday by the Daily Mail, has led to increased
tensions between those people who want to see more
London Boroughs and those who want to see less. A spokesman for
the Mail suggested that the move may be a prudent one as there is a shortage
of “squalid, sorry cheap, housing” in the capital, something which
the new borough would aim to address.
Sporting critics also point out that the move could prove potentially
disastrous to London’s ability to host the forthcoming Olympic Games, due to
come to the capital in 2012. The Queen suggested however that the new
borough would be ready by 2009, leaving approximately 3 years to build
“stadiums and what have you”.
Plans also exist to create a square in the centre of the new borough, set to
be named after the Queen’s former husband Albert. Rumours also persist that
the proposed “Albert Square” will house the yet-to-be-announced, but heavily
rumoured, university and international airport, as well as a centrepiece
public house, dubbed “the Queen Victoria”, after the Queen’s former squash
partner of the same name.
Although currently undecided, it is understood that the new name for the
borough would be decided by asking famous TV celebrities their opinion. It
is understood that the current two front runners are
“Weatherfield” and “Walford,” with a winner
set to be announced next week.
500,000 Londoners wait with baited breath..