The Apprentice (BBC One)
Extract from the popular business show featuring ghastly yuppie types
backstabbing their way onto Sir Alan Sugar’s breakfast table.
Narrator: Sixteen people, all hoping to
become the apprentice of TV hardman Sir Alan Sugar, the billionaire biscuit
baron.
Sir Alan: Cara, good job, you managed to piss this one up
slightly less than Stig. Stig, what were you thinking?
Stig: Sir Alan?
Sir Alan: First of all you have tomato sauce all over your
suit jacket, when was the last time you washed it? Secondly, the task. I
asked you to build me an arc, and fill it with two animals of each species.
Why did you just fill it with sloth’s?
Stig: Sloth’s are hilarious.
Sir Alan: I don’t want to hear it. I ask for a giant arc for
animals, you just got a giant cardboard box from Morrison’s and sealed
sloth’s inside with cello tape.
[Camera pans in from range in an overdramatic way to unconvincingly
simulate suspense]
Sir Alan: Cara, ‘yer hired, well done. Stig, ‘yer fucked.
Stig: I….sorry?
Sir Alan: As it’s the final, and as you cocked it up so badly,
I’ve decided to go that extra mile than the usual sacking scene. I’ve
arranged for the boys to give you a bit of a kicking.
Stig: Sir Alan, please, have mercy.
Sir Alan: It’s too late for that now.
Narrator: Meanwhile, the series winner Cara’s arrogant smirk
is currently powering most of southern England.
Cara: It’s great to win. I was clearly the best, and unlike
Stig I didn’t get tomato sauce all over my back. Yes, it was just tomato
sauce, that’s all it was. I expect now I’ll have a really important
assignment
Narrator: We returned to Sir Alan Sugar’s warren a week later
to find out how she was getting on.
Cara: The job mainly revolves around filing things. See this
pile of paper here? (points to large stack of paper) These come in in
batches of 200 or so, I just count them up to make sure they match exactly
two hundred, then it’s just a case of ensuring that each page gets placed
into the correct file. It’s not the job I thought it might be.
Interviewer: You’d have been better off going through a temp
agency next time. Much less work than this TV show.
Cara: Well, yesterday Sir Alan let me buff his shoes, so
clearly he has earmarked me for a more important role in future!